Leaves of fall

I feel restless.

I'm in a rut. My fault really. I seem to have become quite complacent in the last couple of months. Not exactly like me. Now it seems like I have to make my move.

I applied for a job, but it looks like I will lose out to the blond and beautiful. Actually in this case, the brunette and beautiful. I knew well that if it came down to a popularity contest, I would be fighting the tide. Silly me.

Thing is, its a friend of mine as well. Makes it hard to bite the dust this way. I'm actually happy, but also not.

Sigh...
A leaf clings desperately in the fall. Doesn't mean it can stop from falling.

Or can it?

So... How was your day?

Hi there!

How was your day?

Like that, huh? Happy to be here, then?

Me, you ask? Nothing much.

I woke up smashing my alarm clock with the same violent manner that usually accompanies most mornings. It must be the lack of sleep. At least that's my excuse. I've probably spent a fortune on alarm clocks. But I guess that is the price of a few minutes sleep. Which sometimes have that awful tendancy to turn into a couple more. Then fifteen, half an hour and then...

You get the picture.

Amazingly somehow, I get to work without a hitch and on time. Not huffing and puffing, but actually with relative ease. To think that a while ago, I was staring wide-eyed at the clock realising most of it had flown.

Hmm.... early shift today.

Feeling old, feeling young

I woke up today and realised I hadn't shaved. Not that this was different from most days, but before my parents would comment if they thought I was unkept. They pretty much ignored the whoel look.

I guess this prompted me to take look at myself in the mirror.

I sometimes don't even recognise myself. A few weeks back I was in teh Philippines and had a permanent smile on my face. Cheerful and delighted to see the next day. Here I am a few days later and thousands of miles in a different environment. Such a dour look on my face. Pathetic.

I still find myself wondering where do I fit in. There was a time when I knew how I wanted to live my life. Nowadays, that person seems so alien. Is that really so bad? Perhaps to some, it is.

I ended the day studying my college books. I thought I was so over this. Didn't I do enough of this a couple of years back? Apparently not enough. So, here I am, taking up Business and Computer Studies for business. Another three years, another two degrees. Not really a bad prospect. Especially its out of my own pocket and no one elses. It's my choice again.

Perhaps its not so different after all. I mean I did work hard for my scholarships in the past. Now I'm here again. Except now I have to squeeze full-time work and studying two degrees at the same time. Let's not even get into the MA I have to work on in the new year.

There are a few more whiskers to shave off this year than the year before. There are a couple of scars and wrinkles that have only made their presence felt now. The spark of youth has replaced by a small solitary flame within.

I promised God, myself and a woman I love, I would not give up.
I will make them proud.

Time to shave again.

A change of plans

I just came to a realisation.

Who the heck would want to read the same thing over and over again?

Why read this blog and the friendster blog I have, when they have the same content?

A NEW CHALLENGE!

This blog will now be the venue of personal updates on the semblance of existence that I call life.

This way I can write my pointless essays and poems there and then proceed to spout ecven more nonsense relating to me!

Seriously, two venues, two different sets of identities. In some ways, we all play different roles in different stages. It's less of the part we play, but how we play it.

Nosebleeds and Autumn winds

There is one thing I hate most about traveling the Philippine-Europe route. I get nosebleeds a lot. Actually, it starts there and I get the flu for a day or two. After that I'm fine. It's like an automatic response when I cross Hemispheres, I start scrambling for tissue as I'm gushing and not in a good way.
MY mom likes to remind me of how sickly I was as a child. It wasn't my fault really, I just got sick a lot. I was a high-risk baby. My mom was in and out of the hospital while she was carrying me. I guess it carried on from there. Calpol was always in the fridge and not a small bottle, but a large one, right next to the milk and orange juice. I got tonsillitis like clockwork, colds when it rained and was absolutely banned from staying out in the dust as I got rashes easily. This pretty much sucked as I loved playing outside, hated bringing umbrellas (why I kept on bringing one to this day is out of habit) and lived on a farm. Nowadays, I get sick about twice a year and usually use that quota early on in the year.
Except when I go on holiday. Ergo, now I feel terrible. How am I suppposed to lose the post holiday poundage when I am stuck in bed? Vicious cycle, I tell you.
Song playing in my head:
Minsan by Eraserheads.
This song is definitely in my top 10 OPMs. Just gets me thinking about old friends, those in contact with and those long since forgotten. I always find myself looking fondly and my yearbooks when I hear this song. When did you last see the people you called friends?

And from this angle... extended

I guess it was about time to do this. I like to think I finish what I start. Why draw blood, only to faint at the very sight of it? Or in this case, why start a blog when you have no intention of keeping it up?
A good number of my dear friends made it clear that I had no reason to claim a hermit existence. Keeping people in the dark can only be accomplished by keeping in the shadows as well. Though romantic sometimes, such a condition borders on being rather peverse. As I have no intetion to build such a reputation, I deem it better I step back rather hastily into the sunlight.
To make things simpler... I'm back.
I guess the return back to the Philippines had truly great benefits, both physically (though I would rather the waistline be seen only as an unfortunate consequence) and emotional. Running away only brings you closer to that which you are trying to avoid... and in some cases, the very things you refuse to see.

I needed to be scolded by my friends for me to see that running wasn't getting me anywhere. For that alone, I am grateful. Henceforth, I hope that this stage may not only serve as a forum for my thoughts, but serve as a window for those curious to see how my life is playing out now. And who knows, you may just see yourselves on stage, sharing what little spotlight there is.

I'll try an put variety in the exercise. Possibly use this one, (as I started it earlier) as the extended version on my journal. Perhaps this willl be the "director's cut" as they say (though I still believe such editions are more of a marketing ploy than an better version of the theatrical release. That said, I do have the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy as well as the special edition Donnie Darko... well you get the picture. ). In any case, might as well use this as a platform for my views, unedited.

So, till the next curtain call, I bid you all God bless and may in all our journeys, may we find that which we truly seek.

Birthday thoughts.

My thanks to everyone for giving cheer to a day that marks my inclusion to the human race.

As I said before, I do not really give much fuss to this day
And it suits me well.

But I need no cake and candles or nicely wrapped boxes,
Just a smile, a handshake and a hug once in a while does well for the emotional diet.

If I am thought of with respect and the occasional fondness,
Then that will do.

Because if everyday people like you all give life more meaning, theneveryday is worth living.

Then I need not only celebrate my Birthday to enjoy life.

Being Adam Russell

Being Adam Russell

Being Adam Russell isn't easy...
First, be born into a family that will forever have to listen to tales of elders of how the family name was literally and figuratively lost at the roll of the dice or more specifically through endless sessions of Mah-jong.

You then have to realise that you cannot feel any of the supposed sadness usually associated with said loss as you never experienced said luxury.

You also have to be born miles away, on the other side of the world. You are then expected to grow with the stiffest of upper lips and still eat adobo with gusto. That stiff upper lip will come in handy at the first experience of eating Balut.

You will then return to the land of your forefathers as the desire to defend the family honour burns anew in your parents hearts.

You will then swap snow falls for typhoons, Tottenham Hotspurs (Fave football team) for Ginebra (would be fave basketball team), and a cockney accent for one that will forever assure you will never fit in anywhere.

You will see no fault in this plan, as the world is ok and nothing will go wrong as long as you still have book to keep you
company.

You will also learn that this is lie.

You will learn you family is not perfect, and neither are you. You will know the pain of betrayal and see innocence forever lost.

And you will learn how to hide it all... behind a smile.

You will compromise. You will sacrifice. You will defend and protect them. And they will never see, will never know.

You will bide your time, do what is needed, shelve your dreams hoping to dust them off another day.

And when your dream is finally threatened, you will fight, even if it be from your own blood.

You will bargain away a fragile peace with your parents for a shot at your dreams.

And you will then find you.

For once, the smiles are real, the laughter loud and the face in the mirror is actually recognisable. It will be a time of joy that no one will never really understand. Even the saddest moments in the four years will be happier than those past.

You will test friendships, loyalties, principles and above all your heart.

You will learn take the blows that no one will take. But you will find comfort in company of friends. A shared silence between you will be better than any conversation.

You will also love. And you will love like never before.

You will finally... be happy.

And then you will make a choice, a mistake that change everything.

You will return to your birthplace, with hope and love in you heart. You will then try to scale new heights.

And fall.

You will learn of oblivion, for it comes with heartbreak.

You will then only keep to the shadows, holding on to nightmares revisited pains long forgotten.

And from that darkness, a friend will reach out for you.

It's not easy being Adam Russell.

You are as human as the generic brand suggests.You are Don Quixote.You are flawed.You are a disgrace.

But that is for them to decide.

You know these truths...
A name is but a label.
A family's past does not make you a failure.
And the face in the mirror is not who you are...

I wish I was Adam Russell. But I am not.

Adam Russell was all this and probably more. But we will never know. Adam Russell died almost 24 years ago, an hour after he was born.

Happy Birthday Adam Russell.

I hope I make you proud.

Your loving brother,
Adam James Russell.